Fear of Self
by Diary
Summary: Warning: Contains mild sexual activity, discussions of spanking, and some light, consensual spanking. Dave is disturbed by how much he likes a new activity he and Sebastian try. Complete.


Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.

Warning: Contains mild sexual activity, discussions of spanking, and some light, consensual spanking.

…

"Do you not like it?"

Dave hates Sebastian's neutral, probing tone. He looks over, and Sebastian is lying own, head propped up against the headboard, looking over with calm eyes.

"I do," he says, looking away and fighting the urge to hide underneath his sheets. "That's the problem."

"The problem with you doing something is that you like it."

"You don't need to be sarcastic."

"Tell me," Sebastian says, quietly.

"I- I used to hurt people, all the time. I threw slushies at them, and I shoved them around. And the truth is: I _liked_ it. I feel guilty, now, but I didn't, then."

Sighing, Sebastian sits up and kisses him. "We won't do it, anymore," he says, as if it's that simple.

…

"David," Doctor Lexington says, "I do know that many teenagers have sex. If there's a problem between you and Sebastian, you can-"

"I'm not going to talk about that," he says, firmly. "I get that you're different from regular people, but I wouldn't like it if I found out he was talking about us with someone else. I'm not going to do that to him."

She doesn't press.

…

"Wait," he says, catching Sebastian's hand.

Sebastian pulls away, lips swollen, annoyance written on his face. Still, all he says is, "Okay," flexing his hand.

Letting go of his hand, he blurts out, "Doctor Lexington tried to talk to me about- I told her no, but-" He trails off.

Reaching up, Sebastian threads his fingers through one of his curls. "Maybe," he says, thoughtfully, "you should talk to her."

Dave scowls, trying to think of an answer.

"To you, what we do is very private," Sebastian says, gently tugging the curl. "And I respect that. However, if what we were doing was causing me all the angst you seem to be going through, I would talk to a qualified therapist about it. My mental health would outweigh any objections you might have. Which, in this case, I don't have any; I care what people know because you care."

He thinks he'd prefer it if Sebastian was trying to make him feel guilty.

"Can we get back to kissing?"

"Yeah," he says, reaching out, trying to focus on the awesome feeling of making out with his boyfriend instead of all the feelings and thoughts going through him.

…

"I think I might need to talk to you about Sebastian."

"Take your time."

"I don't like hurting him," he says, desperately. "Except- there's- he likes it."

"David, if Sebastian likes an activity that causes him pain, that's very different from you deliberately- Perhaps, I should try to reword that. David, to use a mild example, you like it when Sebastian plays with your curls; I know him gently tugging on them doesn't cause pain, but if someone else did that, you wouldn't like it. He doesn't do it to emotionally or physically hurt you; he does it because you both like it."

"But he is physically hurt."

"David, in order to help you, I think I might need more information than you're currently giving."

He tenses his shoulders, looking down. "He wanted to try- spanking," he almost whispers. "Before you ask, he's never pressured me into anything when it comes to sex. Okay? Anyway, we did, and I liked it."

Feeling Sebastian's weight against his legs, the sound and feel of Sebastian under his hand, the way his bottom went from pale white to soft pink to a deep, dark red.

"And he did, too?"

Sebastian had moaned and rubbed against him, the evidence of how much he liked clear from how hard he was.

"Yes."

"How does all this make you feel?"

He scoffs, tracing his fingers across the chair. "It made me feel powerful," he says, wincing. "When I was bullying Kurt, that made me feel powerful, too. I liked shoving him into lockers and ruining his clothes. And I hate that I did."

"Are you afraid of Sebastian?"

Startled, he jerks his head up, looking at her in puzzlement. "No. Why would- I mean, I get scared whenever he goes to bail a Warbler out of a something or when he decides he's going to mouth off to someone who could make him pay for it, but I'm not scared of him hurting me. I just worry that he's going to do something stupid and get himself hurt one of these days."

She gives a knowing chuckle. Then, she says, "You were scared of Kurt. You were scared of the feelings he produced in you, and later, you were afraid of him using the knowledge of your homosexuality against you. The reason you liked hurting him was because you felt doing so would keep you safe."

Sighing, she says, "Unfortunately, this is a tricky thing. If you don't feel safe or comfortable doing something, whether you like it or not, don't do it. That said, I think you and Sebastian having an honest discussion about this might be more beneficial than the two of you simply agreeing not to do it. I can give you some websites, and I can help coach you on what to say, if you want. I can also recommend a free counsellor the two of you could talk to about this jointly."

"Then, why do I like this, if it's not about protecting me?"

"You're a sexual being, David, and different things arouse different people," she answers, making him go back to wishing the chair would swallow him up. "As long as everything is consensual between all parties, there's nothing bad about preferences. As for why this in particular is something you like, I'm sorry, but I can't help you. Sexuality isn't my area of expertise."

…

"How can you like this after knowing what I've done?"

"You left bruises; I caused Blaine to need surgery," Sebastian answers, climbing on top of him. "Knowing that, why do you like it when I pin your wrists down and slide inside with only minimal prep?"

Dave doesn't know how to answer that.

They've tried different positions, and while he likes being in Sebastian, he loves having Sebastian inside of him. One day, they'd been running low on lube, and he'd insisted they try to make do. It'd been sharper, fuller, and even though his eyes had watered, a few tears falling down, he'd loved it.

He doesn't know how or when the wrist thing started, but a lot of times, Sebastian will grab his wrists and press them against the bed, near his head. It makes his heart beat faster, makes him harder, makes him just feel _good_.

Looking down at him, Sebastian asks, "If I told you to stop, would you?"

"Yes," Dave answers, automatically.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not a rapist," he snaps, feeling defensive. "Or- whatever the correct term is when it involves with spanking." Even when he'd been torturing Kurt, when he'd kissed him that day in the locker, he'd backed off when Kurt made it clear he didn't want it.

Sebastian grabs his wrists and leans down to kiss him across the throat. "All I can do is tell you that, yes, physically, it does hurt, though there's some pleasure mixed in, but emotionally, it makes me feel like I'm flying. When it's over, I feel happy and relaxed. If my emotional response changed, I'd tell you."

"I'd like to try it, again," he says, gasping as Sebastian finds a particularly sensitive spot to nibble on.

"Because I'm currently wrecking your mind with my ministrations?"

It's flirty and light, but Dave can hear the undertones.

"No," he says, arching up slightly. "I don't want to do it because I feel pressured. I do like it, Sebastian. I'm just a little scared about what that says about me."

"We can try it after I'm done wrecking your mind," Sebastian declares, grinding his hips against Dave's.

…

He looks down, tracing Sebastian's bottom with his hand, feeling how smooth and cool it is.

Groaning, Sebastian pushes upwards.

On instinct, Dave raises his hand and brings it down, causing a moan. Curious, he reaches over to the wrist on the bed and wraps his fingers over Sebastian's pulse points. Bring his other hand down, again, he ignores loud smack and the soft moan, focusing on how fast Sebastian's pulse is racing.

He supposes he should have had this realisation when both Sebastian and Doctor Lexington were telling him, but it hits him: _He's making his boyfriend happy_. Sebastian doesn't take much to get off, but this is something that satisfies him in a way that goes beyond just getting off.

Biting down the _I think I love you_ (he can start dealing with that during his next session), he brings his hand down, again.

…

Author's Notes: I'm aware many people have safewords when it comes to things such as restraint (Sebastian pinning Dave's wrists) and spanking. For various reasons, that isn't touched on this fic. They both understand that if the other says, 'Stop,' or, 'No,' or, 'Wait,' or any variation of those, they need to stop.

However, I'm aware that safewords are sometimes used because a person wants to say those words without the activity stopping and the safeword makes sure a person can still communicate when they legitimately want/need to stop. In the future, Sebastian and Dave might decide to start using safewords, but at this point in time, the current arrangement is working for them.


End file.
